죽을까. 사는 의미가 없다.
지겹다 사는 게. 피곤하고 끔찍하다.
사람도 끔찍하고. 가족도 끔찍하다.
다 소름끼친다.
재미있는 일도 없고, 하고 싶은 일도 없고, 악착같이 살아야 할 이유도 없고. 아무 것도 흥미 없고, 해 봤자 허무하고. 왜 사는지 모르겠다. 그래서 죽고 싶은데, 모르겠다. 언제부터 정리를 해야하지.
지금부터?
엄마.
엄마는 다음 생에 태어나거든, 절대로 그런 말도 안되는 이유로 결혼하고 애 싸지르지 마.
싸지르기만 한다고 다가 아니라는 거.
제발. 생각 좀 하고 살아.
목표도 단 한 번 있어본 적이 없어서 성공도 실패도 안 해본 사람.
그래서 날 이해 못하는 사람.
남들 다 하니까 그냥 결혼했고, 애 못낳는 병신이란 소리 들을까봐 애 낳았다니. 그냥 니가 생겨서 결혼했다니.
정말 끔찍하다. 정말정말 끔찍하고 더러운 걸 손끝으로 억지로 집어들고 있는 그런 느낌이야. 지금 나한테 가족이라는 게, 삶이라는 게.
뭘 해도 하나도 즐거운 게 없다.
정말 하나도. 하나도 즐겁지가 않다.
먹는 것도 괴롭고, 음악도 흥미없고, 티비도 재미없고, 정말 다 재미없다. 마음대로 되는 게 하나도 없다.
하나도. 하나도.
이런 삶을 살고 싶지 않았는데...
어쩌다 이렇게 됐을까..
끔찍하다 정말로..
언제 죽을까.
언제부터 정리할까.
오늘, 지금.
중학교 2학년 때. 죽으려고 인근 아파트에 올라간 적이 있었다.
고 3때도 남의 집 아파트 옥상에 올라갔다. 문이 안 열려서 내려왔다. 꼭 옥상일 필요는 없었지만, 그냥 오래오래 떨어지고 싶어서 한번 죽는 거 죽고 싶은 대로 죽고 싶어서 옥상을 고수했더니 못 죽었다. 스물 여덟에 죽기로 했다. 그때는 목표가 있었다. 그래서 조금 더 살았다.
그런데 역시, 나이를 먹어도. 변화를 도모해도,
결국 나는,
여전히,
죽고 싶다.

반드시있습니다.
왜요? 적어도 이세상에 의미없이 만들어진것이 1도없기 때문이에요.
인생지사 세옹지마입니다. 정말정말 힘들테지만, 긍정적으로 생각하시길 바랍니다. 억지로 불쌍한 생각 할필요없고, 가족, 사람,삶 모든걸 부정할 이유? 없어요. 신의 섭리하에 계획된 당신. 이 세상에 태어났잖아요. 이세상에 태어나고 싶어서 태어난 사람. 없습니다 그쵸?그치만 다들 열심히 살아간답니다. 님도 마찬가지이구요. 열심히 살아야지요.. 어떻게 태어났든 어느 환경에 태어났든 이겨내는건 당신 자신입니다. 못이겨낼 이유 없구요. 능력충분이 있습니다. 태어난 이상. 제가 당신의 삶을 다알지 못하고 느껴보지못해서 쉽게말하지만 어려울것이란걸, 전 알고있어요 저도 저만의 어려움과 고민이있기때문이죠. 힘내시구! 님보다 훨씬 힘드신 분들이많아요 생각해보십시오. 좋은 말들이 많은 책, 힘들게살아오다가 극복하신 분들의 말들에 귀귀울여보십시오. 넓게 보십시오. 부디 아름다운 삶이되기를 소망해요^^ (하나님은 철저한 계획하에 당신을 만드셨답니다♡)
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비밀번호 확인
번호 | 글쓴이 | 조회 | 제목 | 날짜 |
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익명bf93b1 | 223334 | ●●음란 게시물 등 엄중 처벌●● [22+10] | 2014.02.13 |
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익명ab4f49 | 233638 | 비회원 글쓰기 가능, 매일 00시 익명번호 리셋 [29+18] | 2013.02.20 |
13830 | 익명75d749 | 1827 |
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2017.03.07 |
13829 | 익명3e6fc1 | 1767 |
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2017.03.07 |
13828 | 익명d0087e | 1619 |
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2017.03.07 |
13827 | 익명cc9985 | 1577 |
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2017.03.07 |
13826 | 익명c64e4a | 1452 |
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2017.03.06 |
13825 | 익명b114e5 | 1734 |
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2017.03.06 |
13824 | 익명dda13e | 1618 |
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2017.03.05 |
13823 | 익명414695 | 1931 |
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2017.03.04 |
13822 | 익명b9585c | 1704 |
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2017.03.04 |
13821 | 익명5c9cea | 1757 |
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2017.03.03 |
>> | 익명852877 | 2043 |
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2017.03.03 |
13819 | 익명384067 | 1387 |
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2017.03.02 |
13818 | 익명e56a1b | 1482 |
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2017.02.28 |
13817 | 익명e56a1b | 1555 |
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2017.02.28 |
13816 | 익명9c6dbe | 1315 |
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2017.02.28 |
13815 | 익명ca94f1 | 1552 |
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2017.02.28 |
13814 | 익명888270 | 1482 |
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2017.02.26 |
13813 | 익명888270 | 1224 |
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2017.02.26 |
13812 | 익명195223 | 1458 |
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2017.02.26 |
13811 | 익명195223 | 1880 |
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2017.02.26 |